"I Have Just One Regret"
One morning while doing my usual walk around Hollywood, I decided to take a route through the homeless mecca south of Hollywood Blvd. between Highland and Vine. From time to time on these walks I will encounter a "sidewalk resident", and if our eyes meet, I will greet them with "Good morning" as a way to, I don't know, be a human being? It is interesting how many of the unhoused folx are willing to return my greeting compared with the housed people I come across--I guess the way we evaluate threats depends upon what we feel can be threatened.
As walked, I crossed paths with a man who was not wearing any shoes or socks. While I am a fan of walking barefoot as often as possible, doing it on the sidewalks of Hollywood could reasonably be considered risky. As we passed one another, I heard him say, as part of a running commentary, "I have just one regret...", and the first thing that came to my mind was: just one? I immediately wondered if his one regret was that he lost his shoes and socks, but then I quickly dismissed that possibility; he appeared to be a man who had lost things far more important than just his shoes and socks.
***
What makes up a regret? No one would argue they often spring from situations "gone wrong". You rarely hear anybody regret the best sex of their life, or that they wish that they had been less successful. Regrets are all about loss, or the pain we have experienced or caused others. And a key qualifier of any regret is the notion that we should have know better, we should have chosen differently, we should have trusted our intuition, that sort of thing. But I have to ask this: if signs that things would turn out poorly were so clearly on display in the moment, why did we ignore them?
Have you ever had a terrible hangover and swore that you would never touch alcohol again, only to drink just as much or more the following weekend? The reason we will repeat exact behaviors that led to discomfort previously is because when we are making these decisions we are not in discomfort. Instead, we see only what is nearer in our sights: the reward we will feel from doing whatever it is we are thinking of doing. In the back of our heads there may be a voice warning us of potential future consequences, but that voice pales in comparison with thoughts of potential immediate pleasure.
This is how our brains work, at least concerning the immediate reward circuit. There is no use fighting it--instead we have to trick it--putting obstacles in the way of making choices that lead to negative outcomes. This can be done ourselves, or we can enlist willing allies to assist. Another way is to make the result of not choosing an action more pleasurable than choosing it. For example: "I want to drink tonight, but what I want even more is to feel good enough to go running early in the morning."
***
I am personally not fond of the word regret. I prefer to use remorse when it comes to the past. Regret is accompanied by guilt and shame, whereas remorse invites reflection. Reflection is a good thing! Without reflection, we are likely to make the same stupid choices time and again. Reflection is the tool that allows us to review outcomes and decide if they are heading us where we intend to go--if they are worth the temporary pleasure we enjoyed. Remorse, on the other hand, just stops us cold to wallow in regret, shame, and guilt. (An easy gauge is this: if the thought of a past choice makes you cringe, then you are likely feeling remorse.)
The problem with fellows, such as the one I crossed paths on my walk, is that it's likely he has not spent much time reflecting. Or maybe there were circumstances that kept reflection out of his grasp. Regardless, one could say that the time to reflect on our choices is before one finds oneself without shoes and socks on the streets of Hollywood.
As we passed each other on the sidewalk, I thought about whether there was anything I currently regret--any choices I have not settled with enough to allow reflection. I could think of one or two things, because there are people who don't always respect my boundaries, resulting in conflict in one form or another. (What the fuck is wrong with people?) Sometimes these occurrences remain stuck, like wax figures, and I learn how to move around them until I can no longer do so. Other times, if I care enough about the outcome, I will attend to the conflict like a surgeon cleaning out a wound.
I have made choices in my life that I have thought very deeply about, and I am okay with the majority of them. I am even okay, now, with the choices I made that hurt others or myself--not because I am happy about that, but because I have developed compassion for the "me" that choose so poorly, and the "them" who provoked me. Aren't we all those versions of ourselves from time to time? I think the goal is not to never be immune to negative impulses, but instead to notice them sooner and recognize that we have a choice of what action we take or words we say (or even thoughts we think!). For me, this choice is dependent on what will make me feel most at peace.
I can see myself "on my deathbed" wishing that I had the wisdom to do some things differently in the past, but I can't see still feeling shameful about any of it. Perhaps that is one difference between where I am now and where that guy on the street is--I am at peace with my choices, and so far my life continues to work out in a way that keeps my feet in socks and shoes. This sense of peace puts me in a position where I can take accountability for the effect I have on others, make amends if necessary, and be less likely to make the same choice in the future.
It doesn't always work perfectly, but it works often and well enough. It certainly works better than what I used to do when drawn into conflict or regret. I know that it works because I find myself enjoying life more, feeling less sad, experiencing more joy, gratitude, humility, and wonder. I'll take it! There will always be conflict, but I can respond to it by my rules rather than the other's. There will always be those who are bothered by my mere existence, but I would advise them to engage in a bit of self-reflection, because the problem most likely lies in them, not me. For everyone else, I am glad to offer a friendly Good morning!
